Should You Stay With a Man Who Lost His Job?

The Tweet

I saw this tweet on a cool Saturday, I jejely gave my 2 Cents and proceeded to minding my business. The next thing I knew, my mention blew up! I kept getting notifications through out the day, it's 2 days later and I'm still getting notifications. Some liked my post, some retweeted in support and some (awon internet trolls) decided to misunderstand me because apparently English Language is too hard. But if you know me, you know I don't feed negative energy, so I ignored (It wasn't easy sha) especially because I do written words professionally, so many brilliant replies I thought of in my head to "give them" but never posted. Thank God for Jesus!

This was my 2 Cents

Apparently this is what caused confusion on twitter, people saying I called him "ex", yet I said "I could have left him" since I'm calling him ex, it means I left him when he lost his job, projecting their insecurities on me. English shouldn't be so hard now... "I could have left him" obviously means I didn't at the time" He is my "ex" now because we broke up eventually, long after he got back on his feet by the way. Meanwhile him having a job or not didn't add any value to my life, I'm not some discontent girl and he sure was an "Ijebu" man, if you know what that means...

Anyway, I decided to write about this topic because one of my followers asked for my advice, she is currently having to deal with a boyfriend who lost his job and is frustrated. Since I've been through same, she thought I could help. She said:

1. Her boyfriend lost his job and his attitude has been on and off since then, like a resentful attitude towards her. She's currently working and doing well.
2. She wants to know how to manage his frustrations because leaving him is not an option but she gets really sad when he goes off on her like that. 
3. He also gets so defensive when she asks him questions about himself, any question at all is a trigger for him. {insecure}
4. She tried talking to him about how it makes her feel when he acts like this and his response was "I'm broke" and she understood.

As I was humbly giving my advice in the DM, all I could sense was a girl who is madly in love and you couldn't talk her out of staying with her boyfriend, not that I was trying to though. I get it... no one could have talked me out of staying with my ex too.

The thing is, most guys can't handle being unable to provide, blame it on the society I guess but really should that be a legit excuse to be a jerk? We get that you're frustrated and it's like your manhood has been cut off, you had built an identity around that job and now it's gone. Your inability to provide makes you question your self-worth and you get insecure but hey! you're about to lose the only good thing you have left (your supportive girlfriend or wife) if you don't suck it up and take the disappointment like a man. Isn't that part of being a man too?

Although I think that questioning your self-worth because you're temporarily unable to provide is outright pathetic and building your identity around "a job" is unsustainable because life can be unpredictable, you can not always tell when you would lose a job or your business will nose dive and if that controls your attitude as a man, then you need to check it. It's just like saying a woman measures her self-worth based on the fact that she has a "man" and when she's single she becomes miserable and cranky, won't you think something is wrong with her? Like she seriously needs a brain surgery, sadly some women are like that. We all need a deeper source of joy and identity.

While I would never try to talk anyone out of standing by their man in a trying time, I will on the other hand tell you about some things I learned from my own experience and leave you to decide.

When my ex lost his job and other means of livelihood wasn't quite working out for him, he became cold and distant, he wouldn't open up to me, hence it was hard for me to figure out how to help him, I did the best I knew to do. He indulged in excessive smoking and drinking all day to the point that I was so sure that, what was flowing through his veins were tobacco and alcohol, definitely not blood because he just wasn't getting drunk anymore, his body got used to it. I could never talk him out of that habit, he only ended up indulging more. He became so insecure, a lot went wrong, I felt emotionally abused all the time, I try to talk to him about how I felt, he was gracious enough to apologize but 2 secs later, he was back to hurting me again.
In all these, leaving him was not an option. I made excuses for his faults and believed it will get better when he finally gets a job but GUESS WHAT? It only got worse when he got a new job (almost 2 years later) because when you've put up with a lot of a man's crap, he will not stop there, oh he's going to enjoy taking you for granted because he knows you're strong and you can take it (I'm sorry o, I'm just not that strong anymore, thank you...). Men work with the standard you set for them, they are achievers, if you set your standard high enough, a man who really loves you will break every barrier to meet that standard and if you set it low, he will be happy to meet you there too. It's your call...

Now, I do not regret standing by my ex when I did, what I do regret is taking all that crap (I'm sorry I can't go deep into the details, because if I do, you would wonder why I didn't just leave him then? was my village people playing snake and ladder with my destiny?) but when I say CRAP, I mean it in every sense of the word. I should have left him when I saw he wasn't changing after I tried several times to talk to him. A man is allowed to be disappointed for losing his job but no don't take it out a good woman who just wants to be there for you.

All I'm saying to ladies is this, please the moment the relationship gets toxic and he's not changing after you've communicated clearly to him, for your own sanity (yes you're a human being too), kindly exit the scene...there's no happily ever after in that movie. Maybe he'll come back later and you guys will be good again and sail off into the sunset together but at least now he knows your standard, you don't take crap. You know what's funny? Even though I didn't break up with my ex during those trying times, when he got back on his feet again, I was expecting him to change but he only got worse, then I started pushing back, I wasn't having it anymore and he just wasn't understanding me because you see, I had made so much excuses for his faults that he just didn't understand why I'm suddenly pushing back and we ended up breaking up anyway (just like that girl said her boyfriend's response was "I'm broke" and she understood... sis you're already making excuses for him). At some point, you will get tired of making excuses for him, so don't even bother... If I knew that it was only going to get worse, I would have saved myself a good number of YEARS of my life.

And if you're married to such a man, well I'm not in support of divorce but you better have someone you can report your husband to when he's misbehaving. Someone he respects and can actually listen to, like his pastor or mentor etc. If not... okay let me just stop there.

Lastly, I did mention we all need a deeper source of joy and identity. If you measure your worth based on the fancy job you have or possessions, then you will be lost when you lose it all. Your identity should be in Jesus Christ, not in your job, achievements, money or relationship. Your Identity should be deeply rooted in who God says you are, yes you're broke now but God says "you are rich", yes you have bills to pay but God said "He will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus", why don't you just trust that? Jesus is the only sustainable source of Joy, He is the cup that never runs dry. He gives the kind of peace that passes all understanding (meaning it doesn't make sense to the natural mind) you can be in the worst financial state and still have 100% peace and joy because you have Jesus and you know you will be alright- refer to Philippians 4: 6-7.
While you're working hard to be on your feet again, put your trust in him and don't worry about anything. "Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you, He will not permit the godly to slip and fall"- Psalm 55:22 NLT

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